Managing Leadership Anger: Recognizing the Emotional Threshold

A client called me recently to work with one of his business unit presidents. The president had been with the company for some time and had made significant revenue for the company. My client had been aware of the business unit president’s occasional angry outbursts and had even talked with him about his behavior over the years. However, my client acknowledged that this president’s behavior had been justified, overlooked, and minimized by the fact that he had made so much money for the company. Recently, within a short time frame, the president had been involved in a series of disturbing incidents with other people in the company, and they were demanding that my client take action. In addition, for the first time in years, the president’s business was beginning to slow down. My client called me to help salvage the long, and otherwise successful, career of this employee.

After the initial introduction, I met with the client on-site to begin the process of understanding him and what triggered his angry responses. To my surprise, I found him to be surprisingly charming and non-defensive. In fact, he acknowledged that he periodically becomes rattled and could become both reactive and emotionally intense. My suspicions immediately surfaced. I have enough experience with being “played” to be cautious when there seems to be early compliance, especially about changing one’s behavior! I did some due diligence and found that the president had, in fact, been verbally responsive to feedback in the past but continued to be unable to maintain a level of civility in the midst of difficult discussions. I went into the assignment assuming that he had not been given the tools to change and that, with help, he might be able to make some changes.

When exploring further, the president seemed helpless to address the problem, saying that his anger “just overcomes” him. This feeling of helplessness is a common one with individuals dealing with unbridled emotions. The belief is that the emotions “take on a life of their own.” It is what I refer to as the emotional threshold. The emotional threshold is the point of no return when emotions become so intense that the individual feels unable to “rein them in.” The individual then says things he later wishes he had not said, in a way he wishes he had not said them. Education requires the individual to be able to recognize ahead of time that they are at immediate risk for crossing this emotional threshold and take action to prevent further damage.

There are two ways of working with executives who have excessive and extreme reactions to situations. In the first, a consultant tries to help the individual understand the roots of his behavior (i.e., psychotherapy) and help him or her change through insight. This is a process that can take years and still may not result in behavior change. In the business world, time is always critical and the odds that an employer will wait for the person to understand the origins of their behavior is unlikely.

We chose the second approach, which was to help the individual accept responsibility for his behavior and equip him with specific tools to help mitigate future damage. We began this systematic process of helping him become more able to manage both his emotions and his reactions to them.

The first step was to help the president begin to recognize that, prior to any angry outburst, there is a physical response to either the situation or what has been said. Recognizing the physical triggers to a situation—prior to reacting—gives warning that a loss of control is imminent. We looked at how different physiological sensations can indicate the feelings associated with them (see chart below). We were able to identify that, when he is starting to get angry, his face flushes, he gets a warm sensation, and his breathing increases (see chart below). He spent the next week simply noticing his physical reactions and not trying to change any behaviors yet.

 

Emotion	Body Location	Possible Sensation
Sadness	Throat, chest, belly	Lump, narrowing pressure, aching, empty
Anger	Back of neck, head, shoulders, arms, hands	Ropes of tension, lumps, throbbing temples, clenched jaw, drawn in tight, held back, heat
Fear	Belly, head, face, chest, throat	Butterflies, fluttering, clutching, dizziness, shortness of breath, tension around eyes and mouth, dry mouth

 

At the first recognition of a physical response, we initiated the second step. Once he was able to regularly recognize his emotional response to stress and frustration, we initiated the second step: At the first recognition of a physical response, he was instructed to take a “time out.”

We told him to take a deep breath and a short 30-second break before responding to the situation at hand. The process of breathing helps regulate the body and lowers emotions. This gave the president time to reconsider his initial response before allowing the strength of his emotions to carry him over the emotional threshold. This small variation in his responsiveness made all the difference in both the degree and velocity with which he responded.

The third step was to use this time out to as an opportunity for him to reflect and become more intentional about his responsiveness. He could even question the assumptions he was making that would have led him down a regretfully angry path. He was able to think briefly about what a desirable outcome would be, the reactions of others involved, and how he could achieve a positive conclusion for all. He could then formulate his response.

The final step focused on his response. We created a few simple ground rules about not publicly humiliating, criticizing, or judging others. In addition, we discussed focusing on solving the problem and not “winning” the battle. Last, he identified someone that would provide him feedback post-meeting about his behavior.

As in any process of changing behavior (think golf swing!), there were initially fits and starts in the president’s progress. He made a log of his difficult conversations and his reactions to them. By providing some specific ways to recognize his behavior, pay attention to his physiological triggers, take a time out, and become more intentional about his responses, he was on his way to communicating in a much more effective manner. Gradually his outbursts diminished significantly in both frequency and intensity. At last communication, his career was intact and, even though his business was declining, he was still at the helm and back in the good graces of my client.

Summary

Executives who are unable to manage their emotions are at risk for over-reacting in response to common problems. These executives do not effectively calibrate their responses to the situation at hand, and can both intimidate others and shut down valuable conversation through the emotion in their responses. They risk using their power inappropriately and losing credibility among their colleagues and subordinates. Why do they have such extreme reactions, and what can be done to change this behavior?

There are three primary reasons that executives continue a pattern of getting what they want through the strength of their emotions.

1. Bullying: Bullies have been able to intimidate people in the past, and the success of these outcomes has reinforced this behavior. As a result, they come to believe that the ends justify the means.
2. Fear: Fearful executives are basically insecure, and their fear of losing control impels them to try to get back in control by covering their fear with anger. NOTE: This is the most common reason.
3. Interpersonal Intelligence: Executives in this category have either never been confronted about their behavior or, if they have, they do not have the skills to change it. These people often do not have a high level of emotional intelligence.

[There is a fourth category, that of a narcissistic personality. However, this type of person is unlikely to change their behavior, even under pressure.]

When executives have difficulty managing their emotions, it can be helpful to recommend the following process:

1. Help them identify their physical response to stress prior to crossing the emotional threshold.
2. Have them take a 30-second “time out” and breathe deeply.
3. Use the time out to reflect and become more intentional and less reactive in responding.
4. Stick to some simple ground rules, such as having the executive respond when under less emotional duress.
5. Find a trusted adviser who is able to provide the executive feedback on his or her behavior in the situation, in order to facilitate improved responses to future occurrences.

By providing these tools to executives who regularly experience overly emotional reactions, you create the possibility of behavior change and more effective responses in the future.